It’s good to be back writing after a tough few months. For the last couple of years, I was a caregiver for my boyfriend’s father as he battled with Cancer. He lived with us for a while and we both took care of him until he lost his fight with this horrible disease in June. This was one of the hardest things to go through. I got close to him and loved him like family. I miss him and think about him daily. We watched him decline and at times I felt useless in fighting this fight with him.
As a Wellness Coach, I understand the dynamics of disease and what it does to a person emotionally and physically. But being on the other side is a different story. As a caregiver, it was so challenging to give him the space he needed and know what the right thing to do for him was. So today I thought I would share some of what we went through to help other caregivers deal with their struggles.
The Challenges of a Caregiver
As a person who has experienced chronic pain daily, I understand the struggle on the part of the patient. You feel alone, you feel worthless and useless at times and it’s hard because you don’t feel like a contributing member of society sometimes. You are in pain and most likely struggle with Depression and Anxiety at some point during your fight. The caregiver can also feel similar emotions as well during the journey.
I never fully realized the challenges of a caregiver until I actually had to go through it personally.
Even as a healthcare professional, treating people with injuries in my massage therapy practice is totally different than caring for a loved one in so many ways. There are totally different struggles when you are in the position of a caregiver. You never really get a break especially if you live with the patient. It’s always on your mind how you can do better and help them have a better quality of life.
And if you are sensitive like me, you feel deeply saddened and troubled by the loss of the quality of life for that person. It could be very frustrating and does affect your quality of life as well as the dynamics of your relationships. In my case, thankfully, it made us stronger and closer than ever. Thank God. I am grateful for the opportunity to help and also feel very blessed to have been trusted with the enormous responsibility of caring for a sick loved one.
Self-Care for the Caregiver
I always promote self-care especially when you are under a large amount of stress. But guess what- sometimes there really is no drive to take care of yourself when you are caring for others. It is just a reality. Although it is difficult and you may not have the time, money, or energy it is essential to engage in some sort of self-care as a caregiver. YOU NEED RESPITE!!
I tried my best to do as much self-care as possible during this journey. And honestly, it never felt like enough at times but I know it helped me through it. When you are entrenched in caregiving you often don’t think of taking care of yourself. It is the last thing on your mind.
However, it is so necessary to restore your strength and energy to care for others in need. You may just have to force yourself to do it. Believe me, you will be happy when you do. Everyone needs a break every once in a while and you have to believe you deserve a break! I know this is a hard concept, especially for parents. You are not helping or being fair to anyone if you are coming from a broken down and stressed place.
Tips on Being a Good Caregiver
Be patient
Be kind
Don’t assume anything. You can never know how someone else is feeling.
Ask if they need and want help before just doing things for them
Learn about their disease or condition to understand it better
Spend time with them and offer a caring ear if they need to vent
Don’t offer medical advice.. leave that to the professionals!
Help them find the best professional team for medical and alternative care
Teach them some self-care tips you are aware of
Don’t forget to take care of yourself too!
Moving Forward
There is a void in our house now that my “father in law” is gone. I miss taking care of him and still feel his presence in the house. I don’t know when that feeling will go away… if ever. We do our best to move on and keep his memory alive.
If you are or have been in a similar caregiving situation, please comment and share some of your own tips on how to survive and what has worked for you. I always love hearing from you!
Stay positive and know you are a very special person for doing what you do. I know it’s not easy but it can be rewarding if you look on the bright side.
xoxo
Jill DeMasi is a Lifestyle Blogger, Licensed Massage Therapist, and a Certified Wellness Coach with a passion for helping others manage stress, chronic pain, and anxiety. Learn more about her journey and wellness practice that offers natural solutions to stress at www.AtTheHeartofWellness.com.
Michelle
Great advice. I haven’t had to take care of anybody, but I know people who do. And the biggest thing I always worried about for them is that they don’t take better care of themselves. Which is true, they need to do that for themselves. Thank you for the read.
master_admin_
Thanks. I never had to before either so I was happy to share my thoughts on how I got through it 🙂
Caitlin Gibson
This is so true. My husband’s mother was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s and we watched her deteriorate and pass away pretty quicky. My father in law was her primary caregiver during that time and resisted help until the last few months of her life. We found simply getting him out of the house seemed to help him the best, although often times we felt we were forcing him.
Great post!
master_admin_
Thanks. I am so sorry to hear that about your mother in law. It’s so tough to know how to help them and also challenging how to help the caregiver as well 🙂
Adrienne
I am sorry for you loss, the pain never does go away. It is hard as a caregiver because you remember it all, not just the good times. Hang in there and know you gave him so much.
master_admin_
Thank you so much. You definitely do remember the good and bad but I try to focus on the good memories 🙂
Sue
What a great post! My dad lost his battle with cancer a year ago in August and my mom was his round the clock care giver. It was extremely hard on her and the fact that just one day it is all over is so overwhelming. I’m sorry for your loss ♥️
master_admin_
Thanks. I’m so sorry about the loss of your Dad. I hope your Mom finally finds some time for herself in all the grieving 🙂
Heather
Thank you so much for being honest and open about your experience. This is so hard. I think we tend to try to cover up our own pain in these moments because of all those we are caring for are suffering with. But you’d experience is also so valid!
master_admin_
Yes, it was so hard on everyone and we definitely did cover up our pain to a certain extent. Guess that’s why it felt really good to be able to write about it 🙂
Ellen Mika Zelasko
I am helping to care for my mother who has dementia. Half the time I take care of myself, but mostly, I just keep going on empty. This post has helped me more than you know.
master_admin_
I am sorry to hear you and your Mom are going through this. It’s hard to find the time for self-care when you are a caregiver. If you don’t though eventually it will catch up to you and affect your own health. Try little treats for yourself at least to help get you through. I know how you feel 🙂
Tracy
This is very helpful. We are currently helping with in home hospice care for my MIL and it is easy to overlook the needs of caregivers.
master_admin_
I am sorry for what your family is going through. We found the people at hospice to be so wonderful and helpful in that transition. So happy the post is helpful to you. 🙂
Lisa
Such beautiful and inspiring advice. Thank you for sharing.
master_admin_
Thank you 🙂
judean
Thank you for writing this. I feel like there will be a time when I will need this information. “Don’t assume anything” will something I will need to be cognizant of.
master_admin_
I think sooner or later most people will have to deal with this, unfortunately. I hope you never will 🙂